Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal

Christmas to me is all about one thing: presents. I love presents. I love receiving them, I love giving them, and I love watching other people open them. Just thinking of the upcoming night filled with presents is making me want to jump up and down. And I'm 28. Imagine what I was like when I was 5.

Having a hard time? Well let me explain to you what I was like when I was 5.

It was 1989. It was a cold Christmas Eve, and all was calm. Except for the hyper Italians a.k.a. my family, so on second thought, things weren't that calm. In my house, Santa would make his appearance on Christmas Eve night after dinner. If you think about it, that was really nice of Santa to come and give us presents early so my parents wouldn't have to hear us scream and whine all night. Santa arrived, and my brother and I made out big time. We tore open our presents, and...

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Thrower! It's a toy vehicle that literally shoots toy pizzas! And I could put any of my Ninja Turtles action figures on the seat to drive it! How fun! Now, I want you to be aware something. Look at the box to the toy and please pay close attention to the fine print:

"Turtle Assault Vehicle With The Works!" AN ASSAULT VEHICLE. This item was a toy up until "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Thrower". Then, it stopped being a toy and became AN ASSAULT VEHICLE.

Do you know how hard it is for a 5 year old with a battery operated plastic disc shooter to not shoot his brother? It's impossible. So as you have probably guessed, I shot the shit out of my brother derryX with those plastic pizzas. It was like an automatic weapon. You load a stack of 10 pizzas and let those pies fly.

It was immediately taken away by my parents and I wasn't allowed to play with it until I stopped using it as a weapon. But for a short period of time, that was the best Christmas ever.


  1. No.

    The best is when we played with it to try to knock down the crappy bowling pins that we had. Like we thought these tiny pizzas would knock down a whole set of bowling pins.

  2. Oh I wanted one of those so badly, but they were pulled off shelves because well, you know, people were using it as a weapon (and several chocked on the pizzas).