Friday, March 29, 2013

Caption Figures #52

" this guy ever going to shut up about his parents?"
Please comment with your own captions! I'll pick my favorite caption and feature it in a "best of" post.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Wii: Losing Motion Control

Welcome to part two of my Nintendo Wii adventure! When we left off, I had just purchased a Wii and began playing Wii Sports. It's been over six years since that moment. I'd like to jump ahead to now and discuss my experience with the Wii over the past 6 years.

Wii Sports is bullshit. The Wiimote was advertised to have "motion sensing capability". Yes, it senses motion. But it's not how everyone thinks it is. When you play Wii Tennis, there is no fine movement detection. The person standing up and focusing on their arm movement is no better than the slob laying down waving the Wiimote around like a jack-off. You might as well just push the A button to swing the racket. Does it really make video games more fun to swing your arm to press the A button instead of just pushing the A button?

All I heard for years was "I want a Wii! I want to play the bowling! I want to play the boxing!" And that, my best friends, is when I realized who the Wii was aimed at. It wasn't aimed at the life-long, hardcore gamer such as myself. It was produced for the non-gamer, with kids, who would buy any hunk of junk just to shut those little brats up. And do you know what? It worked. And that's fine! But it's not for me.

Wii Sports isn't even a full game. It's a sampler at best. Meanwhile, 90% of Wii owners bought a Wii just to play that one game (a statistic that I just made up right now on the spot). Let's look beyond Wii Sports. There are two Wii games that I have spent a lot of time playing and have enjoyed a lot. These two games are Resident Evil 4 and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

Something is odd about those two Wii picks, right? I'll give you a second to think about it.

They were both available for Gamecube, the predecessor to the Wii. My two favorite Wii games are Gamecube games! What does that say about the Wii? It says that it blows.

Now I will admit that Super Mario Galaxy is a great game. I also enjoyed Epic Mickey and I thought that Punch-Out!! for Wii was very well done...if you use the classic controls. That game is unplayable using the Wii motion controls. Thankfully, Punch-Out!! gives the option of choosing classic controls or Wii motion controls. Many games do not give you this option. But even letting that slide, I have loved three games for a video game system that I have supported for over 6 years. That sucks.

And now, the main event. If you think I have hatred for the Wii based on what you just read, grab a hold of your seat, because here's where the real grief starts. Nintendo released a game for the Wii titled "The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword". I have never met a Zelda game that I did not completely love...except for this one. I hate this game. Hold your horses. I appreciate what this game is. However, I hate that instead of focusing on making another great, epic Zelda game, they spent so much time exploiting the broken Wiimote motion controls.

What do I mean? Well, for example, in the game, instead of playing through and planting bombs, you had to play Wii fucking Bowling to roll the bombs to the place where you wanted them to be. OK, I'll give you that one. Maybe they figured that it's a new twist on an old classic, the Zelda bombs. But what about the items that were specifically made to utilize the Wiimote capabilities like that stupid beetle? Instead of focusing on the task at hand, I have to break myself out of the game, and fiddle around with the Wiimote for 5 minutes to pick up a damn rupee. In any other Zelda game you can grab those in 2 seconds! In this game, they had to add the extra, frustrating element of having to figure out the Wii motion controls before you could play the actual game.

Whether you want to move around or not while you play a video game, the Wii did not satisfy. Personally, I am sick of motion control in video games. I think that it was exploited way too early before they had the technology figured out and it was not done right at all.

I'm done with that no good piece of shit Nintendo Wii. As of right now, it is officially no longer a part of my entertainment center. I am going to take it, spit on it, smash it with a hammer, and throw it in the garbage.

DRAMATIZATION: Not real spit.
DRAMATIZATION: Wii not really smashed.
DRAMATIZATION: Wii not really thrown in garbage.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Wii: The Saga Begins

I'm saying goodbye to my Wii. I wish I could say that we've had some great years, but we haven't. The thing is...well, let me start at the beginning when things were a bit more optimistic.

It was Thanksgiving night, 2006. I had just destroyed some leftovers when a Toys R Us flyer caught my eye. It was advertising a Black Friday sale on Nintendo Wii, a video game system that was still hot from being released only a couple of weeks earlier. I had no intention of buying a Wii until well after the holidays because I figured that it would be almost impossible to get my hands on one. There was something about the combination of Black Friday sales and binge eating that got me pumped up enough to want to try to get my hands on a Wii.

My brother derryX and I convinced each other that it would be a good idea to go out very early on Black Friday and see if we could get a Wii. We told ourselves that we wouldn't get our hopes up, but that's a straight up lie. We would have been devastated if we came home empty handed.

On Black Friday morning, we woke up at 4AM and drove to Toys R Us. We were unsuccessful. They did not have a single Wii. So we headed over to GameStop. They were closed. However, a few people were lined up outside the door. We decided to wait until the store opened. We were 3rd and 4th in line.

As we stood there in the cold, talking to the two dudes in front of us, we realized that if GameStop had any Wiis in stock, we were sure to get one. We waited and waited, and finally, the doors opened. By now, the line to get into GameStop was further than the eye could see. Everyone in line was talking about buying a Wii. We walked in and quickly found out...they had Wiis. They had six Wiis. We bought the 3rd and 4th Wiis.

I can not describe to you the joy I felt as I purchased that video game system. And I can not convey to you the sense of total fear and paranoia that I had walking out to my car with it. I thought that someone was going to hold us up at gunpoint for our Wiis. It happens!

I got home, hooked it up, and started playing Wii Sports (the game that came with every Wii system). It was new. It was fresh. It was exciting!

Or was it?

The truth is, I was blinded by all of the Black Friday excitement and the fact that I hadn't bought a new video game console in years. I would quickly learn that the Nintendo Wii was not exactly the video game system that it was hyped up to be.

Check back tomorrow to read the conclusion of my Nintendo Wii adventure!

Monday, March 25, 2013

FAT Illustrations - Spider-Man In Sweats

Today's FAT Illustration comes from my wife, Amanda!

Thanks, Amanda! This is what Spider-Man would look like if he bulked up then chowed down.

If you would like to participate in FAT Illustrations, please message me on Twitter or Google +. All you have to do is draw a fat version of any comic book character and send it! I will showcase your art along with your name, Twitter handle, and website (unless you specify otherwise).

FAT Illustrations: Where the readers shine and the comic book characters are slobs.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Caption Figures #51

"You son of a bitch!"
Please comment with your own captions! I'll pick my favorite caption and feature it in a "best of" post.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Best of Caption Figures #46-50!

Caption Figures is a weekly post where I take pictures of my action figures in different positions, add captions, and ask you (the reader) to participate by writing your own captions. Thank you to everyone who participated. I picked my favorite reader caption for each Caption Figure from #46-50. Let's find out who wrote the best captions!

Caption Figures #46

Amanda: "Is this hand puppet supposed to be so sticky?"

Caption Figures #47

Keith Frank: "Ha, I'm 50% more steel than the Man of Steel!"

Caption Figures #48

GuyFromEarth616: "Who is this Hyborian age version of me? Did I travel too far back in time again?"

Caption Figures #49

Tom Badguy: "A warrior of my stature does not need 'prescription' glasses!"

Caption Figures #50

Scooby-Doom!: "Now lets see if I can pinch out Red Tornado's skull!"

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Fat Superhero Names

Superheroes are usually portrayed as strong and fit. However, what if a superhero wasn't so in shape? If a fat superhero were to emerge, what would his/her name be? Let's come up with a list. I'll start things off. Here are my suggestions:
  • Captain Butterball
  • The Slob
  • The Buffet Watcher
  • She-Gulp
  • Humungous Fungus
  • The Human Vacuum
  • The Take Out Kid
  • The Leftover Hunter
Comment with your own fat superhero name suggestions! And please, be nice...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Spoiler Alert, Please

Let me tell you something about the world we live in. We live in a world where we have an infinite amount of information available right at our fingertips. Unfortunately, this same world spoils shit for us constantly.

I have had two major comic book events spoiled for me in the past year alone: The death of Peter Parker and the death of Robin. In both cases, I found out by reading a headline on Google news. A headline. I didn't click on an article. All I did was go to a general news site and look at my computer screen. That's all it took to ruin two of the biggest comic book deaths of all time for me. I understand that news travels fast (and nowadays, instantly), but this is ridiculous.

I am totally anti-spoiler. I don't usually read comic book (or movie) previews because I like to go in as fresh as possible. I think my hatred of spoilers comes from professional wrestling. When I was a kid, I had to call pro-wrestling hotlines, read pro-wrestling magazines, and talk to friends to get the latest scoop. As I got older, the internet became more popular and storylines and match outcomes started to get spoiled before the shows even aired. It took a lot of the excitement away for me.

Sometimes I feel out of the loop when people around me know more about upcoming comics than I do. However, I enjoy reading comics more when I get to experience it all on my own terms. I try to avoid Twitter every new comic book Wednesday because people will openly discuss new comic books before I even get a chance to get to the comic shop! (For more on this problem, see The Golden Rule of New Comic Book Day.)

Do I think that spoilers should be available? Absolutely. There are some people that like spoilers and end up seeing/reading something based on a spoiler. The problem is that there is no real way to govern it. All you have to do is go on Twitter, Facebook, Google News, etc. and the information is right there in front of you.

The world we live in is a fantastic place. All I ask is that we respect it a little more by not shoving spoilers in each other's faces. Is it really that hard to preempt a spoiler with "spoiler alert"? I don't think so. I really don't.

Monday, March 18, 2013

FAT Illustrations - Fatlactus

Today's FAT Illustration comes from Tyler Goulet!

You know he's going to finish the rest of that planet...
Thanks, Tyler! I can't believe you found a way to make Galactus bigger. I never thought I'd see the day.

I encourage you all to check out Tyler's amazing comic book website Also, check them out on Twitter!

If you would like to participate in FAT Illustrations, please message me on Twitter or Google +. All you have to do is draw a fat version of any comic book character and send it! I will showcase your art along with your name, Twitter handle, and website (unless you specify otherwise).

FAT Illustrations: Where the readers shine and the comic book characters are slobs.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Caption Figures #50

"Uhhhh, has anyone seen Batman's skull?
Please comment with your own captions! I'll pick my favorite caption and feature it in a "best of" post.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Terrible Comic Book Puns: Cool Customer

From The Flash #129 (1962)
I get the cool part, but what makes Captain Cold a customer? The only way that he would be a cool customer is if he bought some ice.

I'm worse than Trickster. Lock me up.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Superior Spider-Man: A Scientific Perspective

I hope you all have completed your reading assignment, because today we will be discussing Marvel's Superior Spider-Man #1-5. I have been enjoying this series a lot. I think that although writer Dan Slott has been getting some serious flack for "killing" Peter Parker, he continues to write a great story in each Superior Spider-Man issue.

Let's recap what we've seen so far. At the conclusion of The Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker and Otto Octavius swap minds and Peter gets left in Otto's dying body. Otto, now in Peter's body, assumes the role of Spider-Man since he has all of Peter's thoughts and memories. Not only does he vow to be Spider-Man, he is confident that he can be a better Spider-Man than Peter could ever be.

That's where Superior Spider-Man starts. The first issue ends with a silhouette of Peter Parker saying that he will find a way to get his body back. Since then, this Peter silhouette, without Otto being aware of him, has been following and observing Otto. To Otto's credit, he has surprised Peter on numerous occasions by not only living up to the Spider-Man name, but going above and beyond Peter's expectations.

So here we are. Five issues in. I think things are going great. However, as you can tell, there are some questions that need to be answered. At this point in a great comic book series, I like to assess, speculate, and discuss. What is Peter Parker? Is he a spectre? Is he just an extension of Otto's subconscious? Will Peter succeed in taking his body and his life back?

Here is my opinion. Peter can never be the same. Otto is in Peter's body. He has all of Peter's memories as well as his own. I want to stop right here and let you know that I have a Ph.D. in Biology (not joking). I'm about to put it to good use. It's the neuroplasticity of the brain that's allowing Otto to have this torn personality. Although it wasn't explained as this, Slott did a pretty good job of illustrating this concept. You can't just swap minds (That's crazy talk.) Otto's mind was placed in Peter's physical brain. In order for Peter's brain to use any of Otto's thoughts and intellect, it had to physically change. When you create new memories, it's a result of physical, cellular changes in your brain. Now that Otto is using his intellect in Peter's brain, it's going to cause physical changes in Peter's brain.

If it's the case that Peter is trapped on some other dimension and eventually does slip back into his body, his brain will have already been changed and he will have Otto's personality and intelligence. That's why my theory is that Peter Parker is a spectre and he's basically stuck in limbo. He can't be at rest until Otto proves himself as the truly superior Spider-Man. That's starting to happen, but Otto is still a bit shaky. Once Peter confirms that Otto is Spider-Man and more, I believe that he will go away.

I encourage you to comment with your Superior Spider-Man predictions and thoughts on my thoughts. I'd love to hear your predictions for what will happen with Peter Parker.

I also urge you to listen to the Drunk on Comics podcast. They have been having a pretty entertaining debate about whether or not Peter Parker is a ghost. Plus, it's the best comic book podcast out there. Trust me. I have a Ph.D. That I use to analyze comics.

Monday, March 11, 2013

FAT Illustrations - Guardian of the Alley Cans

Today's FAT Illustration comes from our good friend Nick Francis!

Rocket Raccoon? More like Johnny Rockets Raccoon.
Thanks, Nick! I encourage you all to check out more great art from Nick here!

If you would like to participate in FAT Illustrations, please message me on Twitter or Google +. All you have to do is draw a fat version of any comic book character and send it! I will showcase your art along with your name, Twitter handle, and website (unless you specify otherwise).

FAT Illustrations: Where the readers shine and the comic book characters are slobs.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Caption Figures #49

"I'm going to save these for later..."
Please comment with your own captions! I'll pick my favorite caption and feature it in a "best of" post.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Guardians of the Galaxy #0.1

There has been a lot of discussion about the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I've heard a lot about it myself, however, I don't know anything about the comics. Actually, when I first heard about it, I was really curious why they were making a movie about the little blue dudes from the Green Lantern universe (I obviously had no idea what was going on in the Marvel universe.)

But, I did what I always do when I don't know what's going on in comics: I bought a comic and started catching up. That comic was Guardians of the Galaxy #0.1. It was written by Brian Michael Bendis and illustrated by Steve McNiven, John Dell, and Justin Ponsor. It was released by Marvel on February 27, 2013.

I didn't plan on buying this comic. I saw it on the shelf at the comic shop and noticed that it was written by Brian Michael Bendis. Since I am such a huge Brian Michael Bendis fan and I wanted to learn more about Guardians of the Galaxy, I figured this would probably be a good starting point for me. Once I read it, I thought that it would be interesting for me to review it as someone who is completely new to Guardians of the Galaxy.

The comic begins 30 years in the past in Colorado. A woman named Meredith is sitting on her porch when a spacecraft flies over her, through the sky, and crashes in her yard. The pilot passes out and she takes him into the house. While holding a double-barreled shotgun in his face, she quickly finds out that the pilot of the aircraft (this Ken doll-looking guy named J'Son) is not from earth, but from a planet called Spartax. Not only is he from there, but he's heir to the throne.

J'Son needs to get back to his people on Spartax so he has Meredith help him fix his ship. There's this great 2 page sequence with no dialogue that feels like you're watching a movie montage. Within it, you see J'Son and Meredith's relationship develop and they end up kissing. It doesn't stop there. They keep the party going and end up having full intercourse.

Shortly after the sex, we see that J'Son's ship is ready. Meredith wants him to stay (and he wants to stay for her), but he decides that he needs to go back to his home planet. He leaves and Meredith realizes that she's pregnant almost immediately. I don't know how strong this J'Son is, but for her to feel it that quickly, he must be some kind of powerhouse.

The story jumps ahead 10 years (still 20 years in the past) where Meredith is now raising her son, Peter. We see from interactions at school and with his mom that he's a bit of a hot-head. He doesn't take crap from anyone, but he also looks like he has a good heart.

Peter comes home from school one day after fighting with a bully at school. Meredith is not pleased, but she seems to let it slide. As Peter heads into the house, Meredith is greeted by 2 aliens with laser guns. One of the aliens says "The Spartax Bloodline will not continue" and they both shoot her right through the back without hesitation.

Peter hears what happened and runs out of the bathroom to find his mom dead and 2 aliens (known as the Badoon) entering their house. Peter runs into his mom's room, goes into her closet, and finds her shotgun. Does he shoot the aliens? Oh yeah. With one shot, Peter kills both aliens and sends himself flying back into the closet door. He then looks over into the closet and sees a small bright light. It's J'Son's gun. Peter grabs the gun and runs outside. The house explodes and Peter is sent flying into a tree.

At the hospital, Peter is being treated by a nurse who mistakes J'Son's gun for a toy gun. Thinking that it's harmless, she gives it back to Peter. The story then skips forward to the present where Peter, now an adult, is explaining the reason why the aliens came for him. He was next in line for the throne of Spartax, so they wanted him dead. He also explains that he lived the rest of his childhood in an orphanage. He's really bitter about his dad not being around to protect him and his mother and has vowed to protect earth from anything like the Badoon from ever attacking again.

The last two pages of the comic show Peter telling all of this to Tony Stark a.k.a. Iron Man in a ship with a bunch of weird looking creatures/people who I assume are part of the Guardians of the Galaxy. The comic ends with "To be continued in... Guardians of the Galaxy #1".

I would like to reiterate that I have no prior knowledge of anything that has to do with these characters (except for Iron Man). Therefore, I do not know how any of this fits into past tellings of the story of the Guardians of the Galaxy. However, I can say that as a new reader, I extremely enjoyed this comic book. I'm glad that Marvel released a #0.1 issue before a #1 issue because I think it will help me understand the motivation for the upcoming story now that I was given some backstory.

One of my main problems with DC Comics lately has been the number of crossover events. I like when stories span multiple titles occasionally, but I hate when I have to follow other titles to enjoy an individual story. In terms of Marvel books, I've been enjoying Superior Spider-Man and New Avengers as standalone issues. I hope that Guardians of the Galaxy sticks to that formula because I just don't have the money to branch out!

Alright, maybe I do have the money. But I want to spread it out and spend it on other stuff like action figures and Chinese food.

Monday, March 4, 2013

FAT Illustrations - Two DC and a Marvel

Today, we have 3 awesome FAT Illustrations from NickBossRoss!

Thanks, Nick! What's better than a FAT Illustration? Three FAT Illustrations. That's what.

If you would like to participate in FAT Illustrations, please message me on Twitter or Google +. All you have to do is draw a fat version of any comic book character and send it! I will showcase your art along with your name, Twitter handle, and website (unless you specify otherwise).

FAT Illustrations: Where the readers shine and the comic book characters are slobs.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Caption Figures #48

"Seriously? I'm a frickin' Terminator."
Please comment with your own captions! I'll pick my favorite caption and feature it in a "best of" post.