Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Wii: Losing Motion Control

Welcome to part two of my Nintendo Wii adventure! When we left off, I had just purchased a Wii and began playing Wii Sports. It's been over six years since that moment. I'd like to jump ahead to now and discuss my experience with the Wii over the past 6 years.

Wii Sports is bullshit. The Wiimote was advertised to have "motion sensing capability". Yes, it senses motion. But it's not how everyone thinks it is. When you play Wii Tennis, there is no fine movement detection. The person standing up and focusing on their arm movement is no better than the slob laying down waving the Wiimote around like a jack-off. You might as well just push the A button to swing the racket. Does it really make video games more fun to swing your arm to press the A button instead of just pushing the A button?

All I heard for years was "I want a Wii! I want to play the bowling! I want to play the boxing!" And that, my best friends, is when I realized who the Wii was aimed at. It wasn't aimed at the life-long, hardcore gamer such as myself. It was produced for the non-gamer, with kids, who would buy any hunk of junk just to shut those little brats up. And do you know what? It worked. And that's fine! But it's not for me.

Wii Sports isn't even a full game. It's a sampler at best. Meanwhile, 90% of Wii owners bought a Wii just to play that one game (a statistic that I just made up right now on the spot). Let's look beyond Wii Sports. There are two Wii games that I have spent a lot of time playing and have enjoyed a lot. These two games are Resident Evil 4 and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

Something is odd about those two Wii picks, right? I'll give you a second to think about it.

They were both available for Gamecube, the predecessor to the Wii. My two favorite Wii games are Gamecube games! What does that say about the Wii? It says that it blows.

Now I will admit that Super Mario Galaxy is a great game. I also enjoyed Epic Mickey and I thought that Punch-Out!! for Wii was very well done...if you use the classic controls. That game is unplayable using the Wii motion controls. Thankfully, Punch-Out!! gives the option of choosing classic controls or Wii motion controls. Many games do not give you this option. But even letting that slide, I have loved three games for a video game system that I have supported for over 6 years. That sucks.

And now, the main event. If you think I have hatred for the Wii based on what you just read, grab a hold of your seat, because here's where the real grief starts. Nintendo released a game for the Wii titled "The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword". I have never met a Zelda game that I did not completely love...except for this one. I hate this game. Hold your horses. I appreciate what this game is. However, I hate that instead of focusing on making another great, epic Zelda game, they spent so much time exploiting the broken Wiimote motion controls.

What do I mean? Well, for example, in the game, instead of playing through and planting bombs, you had to play Wii fucking Bowling to roll the bombs to the place where you wanted them to be. OK, I'll give you that one. Maybe they figured that it's a new twist on an old classic, the Zelda bombs. But what about the items that were specifically made to utilize the Wiimote capabilities like that stupid beetle? Instead of focusing on the task at hand, I have to break myself out of the game, and fiddle around with the Wiimote for 5 minutes to pick up a damn rupee. In any other Zelda game you can grab those in 2 seconds! In this game, they had to add the extra, frustrating element of having to figure out the Wii motion controls before you could play the actual game.

Whether you want to move around or not while you play a video game, the Wii did not satisfy. Personally, I am sick of motion control in video games. I think that it was exploited way too early before they had the technology figured out and it was not done right at all.

I'm done with that no good piece of shit Nintendo Wii. As of right now, it is officially no longer a part of my entertainment center. I am going to take it, spit on it, smash it with a hammer, and throw it in the garbage.

DRAMATIZATION: Not real spit.
DRAMATIZATION: Wii not really smashed.
DRAMATIZATION: Wii not really thrown in garbage.


  1. I'm impressed that there was no mention of the graphics, they suck!

  2. That's a little harsh! The Wii only managed to keep my real interest for a year or so - despite the Godfather Blackhand Edition being great - but it's an impressive setup all in all. I've even managed to lose weight on Wii Fit doing nothing but shadow boxing! It doesn't do much for me any more but the appeal was huge back then.

  3. Mna, after the Wii, who would be dumb enough to buy a Wii U?

    (Sidenote: I bought a Wii U and it's really dumb!)

  4. Chris: Yeah, the graphics varied. Usually with Nintendo systems, I don't expect anything spectacular in the graphics department.

    Vinnatron: Yes, that's what I mean. It was all appeal. Over time the novelty wore off and we were left with a completely mediocre video game system at best.

    Jeff: Let's smash your Wii U.

  5. Why break it rather than to give it to a kid who might enjoy it otherwise? To me, it seems selfish of you to BREAK it rather than to pawn or give it to someone else?


  6. i still love your rationality. dont ever change.