Monday, January 20, 2014

Late to the Movies

I've been trying to understand something for a long time. There are thousands of things that can go wrong when you go to the movies. Literally, millions. I'm going to focus here. It's something that has really bothered me more and more as I've gotten older and have become more of a responsible adult.

If you are going to show up late to a movie, specifically on opening weekend, why in the world would you be surprised that there are very few/no seats available? Every single time I go to the movies, I get there at least an hour early because that's how I do it, punctual-style. I knock back half a bucket of popcorn, a large Coke Zero, and a bag of gummies before the pre-previews even come on the damn screen. By the time the movie starts I've been to the bathroom twice on a good day. I've taken naps before a movie and still had time to go to the concession for seconds before the previews start. I give myself time before a movie like it's my business, and business is always good.

Honestly, I don't understand why you would show up late to a movie in the first place. Let's take a quick detour and solve this problem first. Going to the movies is something everyone learns to do when they're a little kid. Just get there before the previews start. It's not hard. I know this because I'm a human being and I live on earth. You're not so important that you can't make it to a movie 10 minutes early. If you were, you wouldn't be going to the movies.

So let's say you do feel you're more important than the rest of us scums. This means that you people will be showing up after the lights have dimmed and the previews have started. What disturbs me is not the noise you make or the constant distraction of you walking back and forth as I'm trying to pay attention to the gigantic movies screen with moving images on it (that everyone knew was going to turn on at a specific time). What really bothers me is the look. Oh, that look. It's the look of confusion. Why in the world do people get confused when they show up late to a movie and there aren't seats available? Especially when they show up in groups!

(These are the same people that show up late to an appointment but have a Starbucks coffee in their hand. Don't even get me started. These keyboard keys don't have the strength.)

If you're going to show up late to a movie and be disruptive, just don't look confused. Look ashamed. That's all I ask. You're just rubbing salt in the wound with your bemusement. You son of a bitch.

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